you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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