even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
