DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
