Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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