We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
