shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He has the fingertips of a God
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
