The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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