I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
