OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
