I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
