does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
