yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
