guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
