At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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