Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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