Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
