dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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