If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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