My room smells like vodka and shame
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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