i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
