They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
