We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
