He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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