As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how drunk are you?
Several
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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