I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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