the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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