I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
