My liver just broke up with me...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
