I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
North Korea, Best Korea!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
