Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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