Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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