Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
