I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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