I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
