Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
