just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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