I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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