i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
as a side note pls kill me
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