Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
