It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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