Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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