when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
