I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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