Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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