I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
