Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
