fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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