She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
