I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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