The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
