just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
