Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
