ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
