i think my tv is drunk
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
